Thought for the Day

Reinforcement is  not a form of bribery.  Yet, many teachers and parents are hesitant to reinforce children because they perceive reinforcement as a form of bribery.  Bribery refers to the use of gifts and favors to promote corrupt, illegal, or immoral behavior.  Reinforcement is used as a teaching tool to promote appropriate social skills and behaviors.  All children require adult attention following appropriate behavior.  If not, children quickly learn to behave inappropriately to get the attention they seek.  Remember, a bribe is provided or promised before the expected or required behavior.  A reinforcement is provided after the expected or required behavior.  Also, the most powerful reinforcer is verbal praise and approval.  We all need that, not matter how old we are.

Thought for the Day

Strong parents do not need to yell and scream at their children to be effective.  Yelling is a parenting symptom that communicates as much about the parenting skills of a parent as an X-ray reveals the condition of a broken arm.  If you frequently need to yell at your child you are probably dealing with  the effects of inconsistent parenting and a child who has learned to be noncompliant and/or inattentive.  Yelling is an ineffective parenting tool.  It does not work.  As a matter of fact, it makes the child’s behavior worse.  So stop yelling and a) follow-through on your requests and b) be consistent.  Don’t teach your child to listen to you only when you are yelling.  Teach your child to listen to you the first time when you are not yelling.  It is important to mean what you say and say what you mean.  Follow-through each and every time, the first time, without yelling, and then your child will learn to follow your directions the first time you make a request.  The more you yell, the more your children become accustomed to your yelling and the louder you must yell to have the same effect.  It is a vicious cycle that only you can stop.

Thought of the day

The best way to teach children how to be organized is by setting a good example.  When parents are organized, their children observe and model much of what they see.  Unfortunately, many parents today are very disorganized.  When you walk into their homes, you are immediately astonished at the disorder.  Then, the parents wonder why their children can’t focus on their homework.  Children need a clean and organized placed to do their homework without distraction.  This means turning off the TV.  Parents can help their children stay organized by going through their backpacks weekly and organize folders, etc.  Parents need to purchase folders, binders, etc. to help their children keep school work organized by subjects.  Then they need to check and recheck to make sure organization is maintained.  Once your children learn these important skills, they will use them for the rest of their lives.  Invest in your children’s future:  teach them to be organized.

Thought of the day

Never let your teenager have a party at your house unless you plan to be there to provide active, adult supervision.  This does not mean hiding in your bedroom.  Limit the number of guests who attend the party to invited guests only.  Don’t include children who have a history of drinking or other behavioral problems–your children know who they are.  Never have an “open” party where anyone may attend.  Make it clear that alcohol will not be provided or consumed in or around your house.  Make it clear that guests will not be allowed to come and go.  Once they leave the party, they may not return.  This prevents guests from going to their cars to drink.  Remember, you are legally responsible for the actions or mishaps of minors drinking in your home.  If you child is invited to a party, check with the parents to make sure they will be home to supervise.  If they are strong parents, they will welcome your call.  If not, don’t allow your child to attend.  Parental supervision is the key to effective parenting.  Half of our high school children are drinking on a regular basis.  Time to get our heads out of the sand.

Thought of the Day

When a child breaks a rule, time-out is a possible consequence.  Using time-out appropriately, however, is important for effective parenting.  First of all, understand what time-out is.  It is the removal of a child from a place he wants to be to a place he does not want to be.  It is removing a child from an activity he likes (playing with toys) to an activity he does not like (sitting in the corner). Thus, if a child is playing with his toys and throws a toy at his sister, he would be removed from his toys and placed in a chair in the corner of the room.  He would also, of course, lose the toy item thrown for the rest of the day.  When placing a child in time-out, simply direct the child to the chair and tell him (once) that he needs to sit in the chair for a few minutes (one minute per age of the child) for his inappropriate behavior.  Do not yell a the child-this does not make the punishment more effective.  Do not talk to the child while he is in time-out–this is reinforcing.  Once the time is up, tell the child, “Your time is up, you may leave the chair.”  Do not lecture, the child understands what he did wrong.  If the child leaves the chair before his time is up, the child may be sent back (time starts over) or sent to his bedroom for the same time period.  Again, no yelling or lecturing.  Act–don’t talk.  Be consistent.  Remember, the toy is gone for the day.  Put it away somewhere and simply say, “When you throw your (name of toy) you can’t play with it for one day.”  The key to effective punishment is consistency, not harshness or duration.  Please email me if you have any questions.

Thought of the day

Allowances have the potential to teach children several valuable lessons.  I say “potential” because the way some parents provide allowances teach all the wrong lessons.  Children need to learn that money is earned.  Money is earned by completing required tasks in an appropritate and timely manner.  If children get their allowance regardless of performance, than they will not learn the value of work.  Allowances need to be tied to specific jobs above and beyond a child’s ordinary responsibilities.  An ordinary responsibility is taking your dish to the sink after you eat or keeping your room clean or picking up your clothing.  An extraordinary responsibility is cleaning the garage or mowing the lawn or washing the car.  If a job is not completed, not completed to the satisfaction of parents, or not completed on time, than children should not be paid for that part of their allowance.  Parents should not reinforce poor work performance.

Thought of the day

Parents need to model the appropriate behavior they wish to see in their children.  If you want your children to have manners, you need to have manners.  Say “Please” and “Thank you” when you ask your children to do something and after they complete the task.  Then you may expect them to do the same.  If you are rude, your children will be rude.  If you gossip, your children will gossip.  The apple does not fall far from the tree.  Be the person you wish your children to model and follow.  If you and your spouse are separated, you may have little or no control over his/her behavior.  Don’t worry about that.  Be the model you want for your children.  In the end, they will grow up and respect you for showing them how to be successful adults.

Thought of the Day

Many parents correlate being a strict parent with being mean.  Thus, I encourage parents to be “strong” parents.  I don’t use the word strict.  Being a strong parent for your children means doing your job as a parent:  Setting rules and guildlines for behavior, having high expectations, being consistent with consequences, reinforcing your children for following rules and for other successes, and so on.  Strong parents don’t need to yell or act mean because their children behave appropriately most of the time.  It is, as I like to say, a nice return on your parenting investments.  Wimpy parents have spoiled and bratty children.  They are not fun to be around.  So be a strong parent and enjoy your children more (without having to be mean).

Thought of the day

Are parents different today then they were in the past?  Do parents today have a more difficult time saying “No” to their children?  Data demonstrates that the answer to both questions is yes.  Why are parents wimpier today than in the past?  Recent studies suggest that more parents today want to be friends with their children.  And, unfortunately, they associate saying ”Yes” to their children with being friends with their children.  Interestingly, however, this strategy has backfired on parents.  Studies have shown that wimpy parents are not respected by their children and that those children do not want to be friends with their parents.  In these studies, parents who were respected by their adult children are the ones who were strong and who were not afraid to use the word “No.”  One recent study found that children raised by wimpy parents did not want to be like their wimpy parents and indicated that they would not have the same parenting style as their parents.  Studies also indicated that students have more respect for teachers who have higher expectations than wimpy teachers with low expectations.  Parents need to understand that their goal in life is not to be their child’s friend, but to be a strong parent.  This is the greatest gift we can give our children.  Children will have dozens of friends in life, but only a couple of parents.  Don’t let them down.  Be strong and not a wimp.

Thought for the day

Supervision is the number one variable related to effective parenting.  But supervision doesn’t stop at the front door of your home.  When your children are attending school, keeping in touch with teachers is another way to show your child that you are paying attention to what they do.  Attend parent-teacher conferences.  If you have the time, volunteer at your child’s school.  Support your child’s teachers and their school by supporting activities.  Email is a wonderful way to keep in touch with your child’s teachers and to keep a line of communication open with them.  A simple email asking, “How is Sally doing?” will do the trick.  Parents should keep in touch with their children’s teachers through the high school years.  It is sad to see how many parents are not attending parent-teacher meetings at the high school level.  Once your children are in college you need to back-off, unless there is a specific issue where a child needs parental support.  But don’t be surprised if a college professor refuses to talk with you–they must protect the privacy of their adult students and that includes your child.